Sean Blake, a service user representative, shares his experience with an eating disorder and his experience of recovery.
I remember the day I sat on the couch beside my wife and said I needed help: “I think I have a problem with food”. I used the word “food” because I didn’t know what else to say. Food was the only word I could use to make sense of everything. In reality, it had absolutely nothing to do with food, or over-exercising; they were both just things I used to cope with a deeper pain.
The timelines between that moment and when I went into hospital are sometimes very vague. I don’t remember a lot of it because I had entered the phase where it was now or never. It was like being a zombie. I had no energy, my memory was going, and I barely existed; the eating disorder had taken complete control.
The first steps
I visited my GP, and I was given medication. I hoped this would work and stop the constant voice in my head which told me I needed to exercise and limit my food intake, but it didn’t.
I visited my GP again, who gave me information for a counselling service. Although I visited the counsellor regularly, it didn’t change things. I kept getting worse and the eating disorder behaviours continued.
At this stage, the counsellor noticed that I wasn’t improving and was continuing to lose weight. One day, she said, “Sean, you know you have a problem and need help that I can’t give you. You need a team of professionals.”
She gave me the details for St Patrick’s Mental Health Services (SPMHS) and was told to go to my GP for a referral. When I called to make an appointment, the GP at the time could see how bad I was and referred me.
The start of a new chapter
I had a phone consultation with a nurse from the eating disorder team at SPMHS. A follow-up appointment was then made for me to visit the hospital in person.
Although I can now see how sick I was, at the time, when you are deep into the eating disorder mindset, you don’t think you are sick at all. I thought that they would look at me and think, why are you coming to us? You are not ‘sick enough’. I now know that this was my eating disorder voice trying to trick me and that everyone feels the same way when they are battling an eating disorder.
The day came to have my assessment and, little did I know, this would be the day that would change my life and lead me to a journey of self-discovery.
At the end of the assessment, the doctor asked me if I knew what was wrong. Honestly, deep down, I did know. I wanted them to say I had to come into hospital, because there was no other way I was going to stop if they didn’t.
I was given a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa. Looking back now, I knew part of me was relieved, because now I knew the name, which made it feel real. I was then told to come in as an inpatient as soon as possible and the doctor explained how serious the situation was.
When I got home to my wife, I asked her to ring and speak to the clinic; I was just so tired. I sat on the bed when she made the call. It all seemed so surreal; I had never been in hospital before. The day I went in to stay, I told myself, “If I can do this, I can do anything”. Don’t get me wrong, I found it extremely hard and cried for days. I very nearly left, but I am so grateful I didn’t.
The journey to recovery
During my stay in the hospital, I met people I will never forget. Each one helped me through it in their own way. It makes such a difference when you meet people who think the same and have been through the same things as you: I felt like I wasn’t alone.
When I left inpatient services, I found it hard. I was probably at my most vulnerable, but I got through it. I was put on a day programme that kept me on track. However, I still had to work on me, and find out why this all happened.
I had hard days, but each one helped me learn more about myself and made me stronger. I started to become proud of myself. I was proud to say I am in recovery from an eating disorder.
I have done things in recovery that I never thought I could do. I learned so much about myself. I had lived a life of self-hate; I never had much faith in myself and didn’t always feel like I was worthy of anything. Attending the Compassion-Focused Therapy group is when it all started to make sense; it’s when I started to find the self-compassion I deserved.
I realised I was a good person, just as good as anyone and that I could do anything I wanted. If something didn’t work out, that was okay. This was when I started to use my voice and speak about my experiences.
Everyone’s recovery is different. I still have hard days, but I now have the tools to work through it, because I know those low moods are because something else is going on in my head. It always passes. I am good to myself, and I give myself the time to figure it out. We have emotions for a reason – we need to laugh, feel sad and cry, because it keeps us safe.
The day I told my wife I needed help was the start of my recovery. All we need to do is ask for help; it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it saved my life.
Looking forward to the future
For anyone who is still thinking about asking for help, or in recovery, you deserve help. Don’t let the inner voice tell you that others need the help more; everyone’s journey is different.
Catching it early can help people so much and can be key to stopping an eating disorder progressing. If I had got counselling earlier, I might not have ended up becoming so sick and being an inpatient.
I am now using my voice to raise awareness about eating disorders. It has given me so much positivity in my recovery. I have volunteered as a mental health ambassador and joined a few other volunteer roles, including SPMHS’ Service Users and Supporters Council (SUAS). I know it’s not for everyone, and that’s completely okay, but it gives me a voice and helps me feel like I am fighting back.
Eating disorders are not all the same. They don’t all have one look. They are not about food, vanity, weight, or attention. Eating disorders are a serious mental health difficulty that can come from deep within a person.
I never thought I could get away from the self-hate; now, I sometimes think, “how could I have ever thought that about myself”? While I am still very much in recovery, and I do still battle hard days and weeks, it always passes and becomes easier to navigate each time.
I visited Euro Disney last year for my first family holiday abroad. I never could have done this with my eating disorder. I experienced happiness and freedom like never before; it just makes me want more.
For anyone who thinks they have an eating disorder or difficulty with eating, please seek help. Although people might congratulate you for eating healthy and exercising, it’s not always healthy if those things take over your life: that could be a sign of an eating disorder that hasn’t completely progressed yet. Check in with yourself or anyone who you think might need help.
All views and opinions expressed here are the author’s own.
If you're affected by any of the issues raised in this article, or if you are worried about your own or someone else's mental health, please know that help is available. You can find more information and supports below.
